I have been getting the same dreams lately; I wake up in an empty apartment, I walk out and everything is blanketed in snow. I walk for a bit, look back and discover I don’t leave any footsteps. It’s more beautiful than eerie but I’m only saying this because I always wake up before anything creepier happens. This is the last week of my holiday in Singapore and it’s this period that I become an emotional mess; my brain becomes muddled between missing home and missing Melbourne. Today, for example, when I had a really shitty watered down iced coffee that I paid 5 bucks for and all I could think of, apart from stabbing the barista and getting my money back, was my daily $3 cappuccino at Melbourne’s League of Honest Coffee. Then I did a little lingerie shopping at H&M, fantastic bras for only $20? No really, even I was skeptical until I tried them on and HOT DAYUMMMM Singapore, you are forgiven. And as if God didn’t believe finding cute bras was redeeming enough, Dad asked me tonight what I wanted for dinner and he drove to our favourite restaurant, despite having tons of work to do, to get me my chicken rice. I bawled in the toilet when he left.
I am very, very lucky to be able to experience an entirely different world in Australia and then come back home to relive my old life for a split second. Yes, it’s hard to leave things behind, I’ve said this many times, but today it dawned on me literally 20 minutes ago as I stared at my ceiling light – a moment which compelled me to write this entry immediately – this unbearable feeling that intensifies as my flight back looms closer? It’s the fear of being left behind. It’s ironic since I’m the one leaving but when one leaves, the space one occupies in a person’s heart diminishes with time and slowly they get used to being without you. It sounds like I’m elegantly describing what a break-up is to most people but it happens to all friendships and every tie forged with another person. I know my friends love me dearly but we are in different stages of our lives now; most of them are working, some of them are struggling students like me and we’re all experiencing different things. It is childish to think things would stay the same, even I know I’ve changed in some ways. But in my white dreamscape, it was nice to be in some place impervious to change even for a little while.
I should probably create a new “EMO SHIZ” tag, for things like this.