Goodbye, goodbye

gemma

My heart is beating in a different way
Been gone such a long time and I feel the same
Will you miss me?
When there’s nothing to see?

Every time this song plays on my laptop, as sung beautifully by The xx, I’d wish the band would’ve written it a little sooner (Missing was released in 2012, on their album, Coexist). It describes succinctly what 2011 was for me and though that year has disappeared into melancholy, the song’s meanings aren’t all lost to me.

Every year I do these little posts just before I leave the country to whine about my first world Asian problems. This year it will be no different. The good news is it’s my last year of uni so this is the final round of whingeing y’all are gonna get (nah, not really lol). I was reading my old emo posts and aside from being slightly embarrassed by them, I’m happy I wrote ‘em down. Measuring change is, above all, to recount these things of the past and figuring out if you feel the same (another nod to Missing, god I hope this doesn’t betray my infidelity with the other songs in my playlist). These old entries have had time and a shitty internet connection from being pored over by my eyes and I read them now, surprisingly distanced from past insecurities.

My fears of being left behind for being away for too long, of being alone in an unfamiliar place, of change because change sucks – they don’t bother me much anymore. I don’t have any real answers to why this is so; the only legit thing that’s different about my life is that I eat more gelato now. Is gelato or anything full cream the cure for all ills? Then I would recommend one scoop a week for those in a similar predicament, two scoops if you’re feeling especially tragic.

Somewhere in swirls of frozen green tea and white chocolate, I figured no matter how many times Oprah tries to tell us change is good – it’s horrid most of the time. But we can’t help these things you know? Ice cream messes, stickier situations; these catalysts for our formative years. It isn’t pretty but we must learn to accept, live, and grow – we do it in our own ways – because remaining stagnant is worse.

And don’t worry so much if it’s taking too long for things to fall into place. Life will always be a series of wrong turns, bad choices, foolish ideas. It’s going to be okay. We’ll be okay.

Image credit: Gemma Ward in Details Mag.

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11 Responses to “Goodbye, goodbye”
  1. shafah says:

    you’re gone too soon babe :( here’s hoping I’m able to travel to Melbourne in June. Will it be winter then? gosh I sure have a knack of travelling to places during winter season, ughs.

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    ilyana's reply:

    Yes it’ll be winter then babe! Let me know if you come :)

    reply

  2. Jen W says:

    Oh my goodness, I panicked when I read the title of your post- thought that you were saying goodbye to the blog!

    Now that I’ve recovered, I’m glad you’re coming back to Melbourne soon. Can’t wait to catch up.

    reply

    ilyana's reply:

    It was lovely to finally meet you Jen xx

    reply

  3. Anathyst says:

    we’ll be okay. definitely =)) love you heaps.

    reply

    ilyana's reply:

    Love you more honey!

    reply

  4. Myra says:

    Hello :)

    I came across ur blog a few weeks ago from an article u wrote on how to shop on Qoo10? Haha. Really enjoyed reading ur posts coz it sorta gave me an insight to what it’ll be like as a Muslim girl in Melbourne. I’ve been here abt a week and I can totally relate to first world Asian problems!!! Haha hope u’ll have an awesome final year of uni ahead :D

    -Myra

    reply

    ilyana's reply:

    Hi Myra, thank you so much for reading that article and for checking out my blog. Are you studying here in Melbourne? How do you like it so far? I hope you’re having fun! :)

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    Myra's reply:

    Hi Ilyana,

    Yes I’m studying here at Deakin :) so far it’s been good, ppl here are generally very helpful although I’m still not used to the transport system and paying $7 for a two-way ride. And ooh halal meat! So difficult to get them in supermarkets. It’s far from town and all the lovely places you mentioned in your blog but it would be great if we could meet one of the days I decide to go to town! :D hehe.

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    ilyana's reply:

    Yes, transportation costs (and the infrequency of trains) was quite the shock for me too when I first moved here! I hope you have a halal butcher wherever you’re staying! If not, I can pass you the address of my butcher (they’re far from where you are though :( ) Yes, we should definitely meet – how often do you come to the city?

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    Myra's reply:

    Omg yes please! I don’t think there’s any halal butcher in my suburb… Been gg to Nando’s / Papparich for my chicken fix lately. I’ll probably go to the city once in 2 weeks? Might be gg Vic market next weekend for groceries :) If you’re free and wanna hang out in the (hopefully not too hot) day, let me know! I’ll look for you on fb and send you my contact yea?

    Hope to see you soon! :)

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